Liberation

My emotions have been stirring in me for weeks. Everything came to a head last night as I tossed and turned trying desperately to drift off to sleep. I spoke to God, knowing He was working me. But I didn’t know why, just yet. Despite being in emotional discomfort, my body finally gave and sank into the mattress. Waking up was a bit disorienting. It felt as though I had been on a journey but no idea where or how I trekked. No recollection of what I experienced along the way. So, I brewed some coffee as discomfort brewed, again, inside of me. I sat down on my couch. Glanced at the calendar, fully aware of today’s “holiday”. Freedom for some. Not for most. I opened my laptop while my apartment filled with the aroma of caramel truffle coffee and opened a file filled with poetry. I scanned through the documents and landed on the one I’ve been putting off. Poetry for an upcoming performance. The discomfort brewed, again. My coffee maker groaned and rumbled in the background. I took a deep breath and opened the document. I read the first few lines. My chest tightened. I pushed my laptop away and retreated into the safety of a coffee mug. Sipping in silence.

I took a few more deep breaths and returned to the couch. Sank back into the cushion and read my poem with intent. What was I trying to say? What pushed me to write this? Questions I pondered after I read and re-read the poem a few times. I sipped my coffee again. And again. I set my coffee mug down and picked apart each stanza with surgical precision. My eyes locked in on three words: childhood love story. A mild headache pressed into my forehead. My eyes welled up with tears. My shoulders dropped and emotion poured out. This. This is why I wrote the poem. I was trapped in nostalgia, remembering the teenage boyfriend I had over a decade ago. The boyfriend who called me several times a week. The boyfriend who visited me at my childhood home. The boyfriend who spent hours and hours with me doing mostly nothing. The boyfriend who was present. The boyfriend who dedicated so much of his time and energy into me, and us.

This was the boyfriend I had been missing for years. But wow, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. My boyfriend cannot be that anymore. It’s so unrealistic. When we were teens, our lives were still mostly handled by others. Parents, school, etc. We didn’t have to worry about bills, or finances, or where our next meal was coming from. So, of course we could both be more attentive. Of course we could spend hours of our days together without a care in the world. Life was different then. And life is much different now.

Guilt and grief surged to the surface. I recalled the times I lashed out at my boyfriend. The times I was a tornado of emotion, wrecking everything in my path. Including him. I loathed the memories of times I flirted with the idea of someone else being something my boyfriend could not. And the moments I contemplated trying something new with someone else. Leaving my boyfriend behind. Everything made sense. Now. I was so focused on the stability and security I was providing, that I lost sight of the stability and security my boyfriend provided. Every milestone. He was there. Every hard day. He was there. Every good day. He was there. He always showed up. My vision was tainted with expectation so I couldn’t see how he showed up.

It’s true that he has not always given full effort and there were times when I did feel alone as a result. And that was a big part of why our engagement ended. But I also know, now, that I wanted him to show up a certain way. With flowers and romantic bravado. Instead of appreciating how he did show up. With late night conversation and tenderness. With unwavering support and unconditional love. And the many other ways he still shows up for me. It’s time I appreciate the man I have today instead of yearning for a past version of him. It’s time I took full accountability for my role in my own unhappiness and apologize to my boyfriend for my lack of understanding. It’s time I focus on the present and leave our childhood love story in the past, where it belongs.

God knew what He was doing on this day, July 4, 2025. And I thank Him for providing a long-awaited liberation.

What is Time Fr?

I can’t believe we are already in May of 2025. Wasn’t New Year like…yesterday?! My head is spinning. Per usual, so much has happened as time flies by. This is a recap post and a deep dive into my mental health status.

*Deep breath* Here we go.

I’m gonna break it down by monthly highlights because that just seems easier. February: I completed the finishing touches for TASTE, the audiobook & paperback book, and submitted them both for publishing. I panicked when I realized my original publishing date was not longer a possibility. Definitely cried but then picked myself up and made peace with extending the deadline. (Looking back on it, girl it was never THAT serious, lol. But you were STRESSED!) I hosted a private listening party for TASTE, the audiobook, and shared the stage with two dynamic poets, Poetic Truthz & Lady Wen. That night solidified the reality of my relationships with the creatives I invited. I learned that some creative relationships are 1) purely transactional, meaning those creatives will only show up if money is involved and it is a working project/collab, 2) one-sided and/or not prioritized, meaning that I show up for those creatives more than they ever show up for me and/or I am just an after thought, 3) full of shit, meaning those creatives blow smoke and gas me up but when it comes time for them to actually show up, they won’t, or 4) real and genuine, meaning these creatives really fuck with me and will show up for important events and/or communicate ahead of time if they cannot make it and find ways to still support. Grateful for everyone who showed up and supported me on my special night. I know my support is real. I know my support is genuine. Unfortunately, some people will no longer receive it. Their loss.

March: TASTE, the audiobook & paperback book, dropped March 1st! So many people ordered copies and purchased the audiobook on the different offered platforms. Lots of people shared my book release on socials and spread the word about my book and audiobook drop. I purchased some hard copies and SOLD OUT within 48 hours of them arriving via mail. The support is so incredible and so appreciated. Poetz Portal had our first Fox Island poetry collaboration and it was magical. The connection to nature and poetry really created a healing space. I was truly honored to sit in and share that space with the Kollektiv. I believe it also strengthened our connection as Poetz Portal. Billie Jo celebrated another year around the sun and spent her bday weekend out with her homegirls. I enjoyed being a fly on the wall for that special birthday lunch. And I thanked God for allowing me another year with my grandma. Lots of event collabs in the works. I’m always busy, lol.

April: Whew…the most challenging yet, most rewarding month of 2025 so far. My childhood best friend was killed in a fatal car crash. News that rocked the entire city. The world lost a beacon of light on April 4th and life has not been the same since. I was in a state of disbelief (and I still am). Buying funeral flowers and preparing to attend her funeral was just so surreal. I wished it was a sick, twisted, delayed April Fools Day joke but it was a harsh reality. A finality. The funeral was beautiful and her send off in a horse and carriage was truly a special touch. I love you, Mela, and I’ll continue to pray for your family. LLM. April 12th was the one-year anniversary of my Grandma Isabel’s transition so my family from NY came in town. I hosted my Auntie at my apartment and my mom came and stayed for a few days too. My Grandpa Todd finally made it in town after a flight delay so the party was just getting started! We went to wineries, museums, food, food, and more food! It really was a beautiful way to celebrate family and cherish the moments we have with each other. April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month so I was involved in many different events and movements. One of my favorites is the YWCA’s “Speak Your Truth” survivor mic night. My NY family was in town to witness my growth and celebrate my survivorhood so it was an extra special evening. Honestly, this SAAM has been the most enriching and empowering. I connected with so many survivors and was honored to be a part of a fellow survivor’s book launch. 17-year-old Bre would be so proud! Fashion Show practices for the Art of Fashion show at the Fort Wayne Museum of Art have been super impactful. I’m building new family connections and challenging myself to be a runway model for the first time ever. Maybe 2025 is my year of growth. Maybe 2025 is my year!

May: SO MUCH GOING ON. Fashion Show on May 5th. A podcast interview on May 9th. “Lovers & Pens” poetry vs. RnB showcase on May 17th. Poetz Portal poetry circles and collaborations. A family ATL Trip for my oldest nephew’s graduation. SO. MUCH. GOING. ON. Check the blog for updates!

*Another deep breath*

Okay, with so much going on, how am I doing mentally? Like honestly? Well, that is a loaded question. The short answer is, not well. I am so busy that my mental health often gets placed on the back burner. No amount of tangible self-care will ever suffice. I can’t write new poetry, my past has come back to laugh at me. If I’m being honest, I knew that shit was coming. I feel stupid. I feel anxious. I feel unsure of the future. I feel so intensely that running from feeling is easier than sitting in it. So, what is going on? Well, death and the fear of it has been looming in the background. Fear of the unknown and unexpected. Crazy how life can just evaporate like *snap* that. I’ve also entertained the idea of death providing release. Complicated to explain. I am not suicidal. I am not contemplating my existence. I am just hoping to figure out answers for loved ones who have passed. Like I said, complicated to explain.

I feel frustrated. My poetry pen flows for collaborations but runs dry when I want to release. I’ve only managed to squeeze out one poem since my friend’s death. Poetry is my lifeblood so being abruptly cut off from it pains me. I’m trying to remain patient but then I ask, is it patience I need? Or do I really need to just sit in my feelings? I’m frustrated even typing out these questions. I’m considering ending the post here …but I won’t. Since I can’t write poetry, a blog post will have to do for now to help me release.

Love. God. My stomach is turning. Why the fuck is it so fucking complicated? Why is it that the same person who can bring you such joy, can also bring immense darkness? Long story short, love is exactly where it was in July 2022. Right before the collapse of a 5-year relationship. Same issues. Same questions. Same “I don’t knows.” This is where I feel shame and try to push away the hurt by recalling recent outings & dates or moments of happiness. As if they can excuse the reality of my relationship. But they can’t. Truth is, I feel alone. My needs are not fulfilled. I am not happy. So why do I stay? Well, the love for my boyfriend is unconditional and he’s really all I know. Crazy. ‘Cause I’ve put myself back in a box after I said I would burn it and never look back. I’m almost 30 and still lovesick over puppy love from childhood. I know that people break up for more reasons than cheating and abuse. And thankfully, I have never experienced this with my boyfriend. The sense of safety and security he brings is another reason I stay. I know that people have simply outgrown each other and ultimately fell out of love. It’s possible this is what is happening with us. I don’t know.

Truth is, I feel my boyfriend needs me. I am the calm in his storms and a constant. But I am starting to realize, maybe I am just a crutch. Maybe he can’t figure out his life because I am always there to save him. Saving he never asks for. Saving I just provide because I love him and can’t stand to see him struggle. But how can someone who is always in survival mode truly love you the way you deserve?

July 2022, my priorities shifted from marriage and family to pursuing a creative career. I dove head first into open mics, poetry meet ups, showcases, podcasts, music, collaborations, visual art, etc. And I fell in love with creating in a way I never expected. This newfound creative career aspiration has been difficult to navigate with my boyfriend. I was previously a homebody and was rarely busy other than work or family gatherings. Now, I’m in studios, clubs, cafes, all over the city to immerse myself in creativity. I’m busy. As fuck. And this has been challenging for him to get used to since he is a homebody and prefers to be out the way.

Long story short, it’s complicated. And I just want us to figure it the fuck out.

Thought that was all? Lol. No. I can feel something coming. Like another evolution or some major life change. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know if it’s positive or negative change. I just know that I’m going to be uncomfortable during this period of growth. When I left my full time job to become a part time caregiver for my grandma, everything shifted. My finances shifted. My priorities shifted. My life shifted. I’ve been living my life with more freedom and I’m enjoying it! But all good things must come to an end. I know my finances will get to a point where I have to start working elsewhere (even if it’s part time) and I know my freedom can only last so long due to my limited finances. I’m preparing myself (as best as I can) and trying to remain positive. All I know is, no matter the change, life goes on.

I really want to be intentional this month and focus on my mental health. It’s time I slow down and block out the distractions to really sit in my feelings. I need to figure out my next steps in so many areas of my life. If you made it this far, thank you for reading all the way through! May is Mental Health Awareness Month so, prioritize your mental health!

*New poem on the Poems page*

Anxiety-Riddled Uncertainty

I resigned.

This past week I submitted my resignation from my position at work. Social work is just not what it used to be. It has always been stressful, it has always been mentally taxing, but I feel as though the emphasis is on paperwork and numbers more so than the people. I love making connections with kids and families. Even the ones that are difficult and need several reminders to complete things. But recently, the connections with families have been lost, placed on the back burner to completing paperwork by certain deadlines and prioritizing those deadlines over family circumstances. Caseloads are high. Changes are constant. Documentation is never-ending. This is not sustainable for me.

As a creative, being tapped of my mental resources is detrimental to my art. There is already so much to life that takes away my time and concentration but having a job that depletes my mental capacity for creativity is unacceptable. It’s time for a change. And I won’t lie and say that I am confident in this transition or that I have the next steps all planned out. The truth is, I am anxious. Despite having savings, despite having a consistent work history on my resume, I am anxious about the future. So anxious at times that I feel stuck to my couch or my bed. Aimlessly scrolling social media to distract my mind from the “doom” thoughts taking over my head.

In a perfect world, I would be able to live off my craft. My days could be spent writing new poetry and formatting poetry books. Maybe a few live readings here and there, but that is not my current reality. I am chasing that. In the meantime, I have to sacrifice my time working somewhere for a consistent paycheck. Because rent is high, groceries are high, gas prices are high, it is expensive to live!

This is a reminder to take a deep breath. Hold it. And exhale slowly.

Everything will work out as it’s supposed to, when it’s supposed to.

To all creatives balancing work and creativity, I see you! I am you! Blessings on your path to self-sustained success.

Photo by Ricky Kharawala, @sweetmangostudios

TASTE

A New Year, a new creative venutre!

I have always enjoyed poetry, but sensual poetry really is a love language. I’ve written sensual pieces here and there and even performed a few. I thought about publishing a book of sensual poetry but I was always scared to take that chance. In a lot of ways, speaking openly about sex is still taboo. Even if done so in an art form! That is crazy to me because sex is normal part of most people’s lives. Why not talk about it? Why not celebrate it?

So, I decided to finally stop being scared. I’m publishing a taste of sensual poetry in a short-form sensual poetry book. And to add a cherry on top, it will be accompanied by an audiobook! I truly believe that adds to the sensual poetry experience. You can read along while listening to a sultry voice. If my readers really wanna spice it up, read along by candlelight in lingerie (or whatever feels sexy!) and with a lil somethin to sip on. There’s so many ways you could experience this poetry. I can’t wait for everyone to read and hear it!

A sneak peek poem from TASTE is on the Poems page :)

Re-Centering

Happy Sunday, readers. Today’s post is dedicated to re-centering after a crazy busy week. I hope this can help you breathe and reset before the new week officially starts.

Sun - Fri of last week, I was on full-time Auntie duties to my nephews. Jared, a 17-year-old; Jeremiah, a 10-year-old; and Elijah, a 6-year-old. As you can probably imagine, the 6-year-old tried to run the show. Elijah was my alarm clock, my mealtime timer, and TV guide (only Mr. Beast or Roblox YT videos were allowed). Jeremiah needed constant activity so, if we were in the house he was rolling on the couch and the floor. Sometimes he ran laps around my apartment or wrestled with his brothers. It’s safe to say he got me outside of the apartment very often. He needed outdoor spaces to flip, roll, scream, etc. Jared was much more tame, but still engaged. He preferred to go out thrifting/shopping and using my mom’s MacBook. Jared needed opportunities to exercise his independence so, I let him drive my car to and from the store (He’s a great driver!). While we were in the store, he got to pick some things he wanted without his younger brothers chiming in and I could tell he enjoyed being in charge for a few moments.

Having nephews at 3 different ages, with 3 different interests/personalities really challenged me to find ways to keep all 3 of them occupied and content. Last week really was a whirlwind of activities and running around. From Sky Zone to Hilger Family Farm to thrifting to movie nights, Auntie is tired! I spent most of my Saturday catching up on my sleep. Today, is all about re-centering. I plan on doing a short meditation, writing some poetry, sipping some wine, and unwinding with some good RnB music. What helps you re-center?

*New Poem on the Poems Page*