What is Time Fr?

I can’t believe we are already in May of 2025. Wasn’t New Year like…yesterday?! My head is spinning. Per usual, so much has happened as time flies by. This is a recap post and a deep dive into my mental health status.

*Deep breath* Here we go.

I’m gonna break it down by monthly highlights because that just seems easier. February: I completed the finishing touches for TASTE, the audiobook & paperback book, and submitted them both for publishing. I panicked when I realized my original publishing date was not longer a possibility. Definitely cried but then picked myself up and made peace with extending the deadline. (Looking back on it, girl it was never THAT serious, lol. But you were STRESSED!) I hosted a private listening party for TASTE, the audiobook, and shared the stage with two dynamic poets, Poetic Truthz & Lady Wen. That night solidified the reality of my relationships with the creatives I invited. I learned that some creative relationships are 1) purely transactional, meaning those creatives will only show up if money is involved and it is a working project/collab, 2) one-sided and/or not prioritized, meaning that I show up for those creatives more than they ever show up for me and/or I am just an after thought, 3) full of shit, meaning those creatives blow smoke and gas me up but when it comes time for them to actually show up, they won’t, or 4) real and genuine, meaning these creatives really fuck with me and will show up for important events and/or communicate ahead of time if they cannot make it and find ways to still support. Grateful for everyone who showed up and supported me on my special night. I know my support is real. I know my support is genuine. Unfortunately, some people will no longer receive it. Their loss.

March: TASTE, the audiobook & paperback book, dropped March 1st! So many people ordered copies and purchased the audiobook on the different offered platforms. Lots of people shared my book release on socials and spread the word about my book and audiobook drop. I purchased some hard copies and SOLD OUT within 48 hours of them arriving via mail. The support is so incredible and so appreciated. Poetz Portal had our first Fox Island poetry collaboration and it was magical. The connection to nature and poetry really created a healing space. I was truly honored to sit in and share that space with the Kollektiv. I believe it also strengthened our connection as Poetz Portal. Billie Jo celebrated another year around the sun and spent her bday weekend out with her homegirls. I enjoyed being a fly on the wall for that special birthday lunch. And I thanked God for allowing me another year with my grandma. Lots of event collabs in the works. I’m always busy, lol.

April: Whew…the most challenging yet, most rewarding month of 2025 so far. My childhood best friend was killed in a fatal car crash. News that rocked the entire city. The world lost a beacon of light on April 4th and life has not been the same since. I was in a state of disbelief (and I still am). Buying funeral flowers and preparing to attend her funeral was just so surreal. I wished it was a sick, twisted, delayed April Fools Day joke but it was a harsh reality. A finality. The funeral was beautiful and her send off in a horse and carriage was truly a special touch. I love you, Mela, and I’ll continue to pray for your family. LLM. April 12th was the one-year anniversary of my Grandma Isabel’s transition so my family from NY came in town. I hosted my Auntie at my apartment and my mom came and stayed for a few days too. My Grandpa Todd finally made it in town after a flight delay so the party was just getting started! We went to wineries, museums, food, food, and more food! It really was a beautiful way to celebrate family and cherish the moments we have with each other. April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month so I was involved in many different events and movements. One of my favorites is the YWCA’s “Speak Your Truth” survivor mic night. My NY family was in town to witness my growth and celebrate my survivorhood so it was an extra special evening. Honestly, this SAAM has been the most enriching and empowering. I connected with so many survivors and was honored to be a part of a fellow survivor’s book launch. 17-year-old Bre would be so proud! Fashion Show practices for the Art of Fashion show at the Fort Wayne Museum of Art have been super impactful. I’m building new family connections and challenging myself to be a runway model for the first time ever. Maybe 2025 is my year of growth. Maybe 2025 is my year!

May: SO MUCH GOING ON. Fashion Show on May 5th. A podcast interview on May 9th. “Lovers & Pens” poetry vs. RnB showcase on May 17th. Poetz Portal poetry circles and collaborations. A family ATL Trip for my oldest nephew’s graduation. SO. MUCH. GOING. ON. Check the blog for updates!

*Another deep breath*

Okay, with so much going on, how am I doing mentally? Like honestly? Well, that is a loaded question. The short answer is, not well. I am so busy that my mental health often gets placed on the back burner. No amount of tangible self-care will ever suffice. I can’t write new poetry, my past has come back to laugh at me. If I’m being honest, I knew that shit was coming. I feel stupid. I feel anxious. I feel unsure of the future. I feel so intensely that running from feeling is easier than sitting in it. So, what is going on? Well, death and the fear of it has been looming in the background. Fear of the unknown and unexpected. Crazy how life can just evaporate like *snap* that. I’ve also entertained the idea of death providing release. Complicated to explain. I am not suicidal. I am not contemplating my existence. I am just hoping to figure out answers for loved ones who have passed. Like I said, complicated to explain.

I feel frustrated. My poetry pen flows for collaborations but runs dry when I want to release. I’ve only managed to squeeze out one poem since my friend’s death. Poetry is my lifeblood so being abruptly cut off from it pains me. I’m trying to remain patient but then I ask, is it patience I need? Or do I really need to just sit in my feelings? I’m frustrated even typing out these questions. I’m considering ending the post here …but I won’t. Since I can’t write poetry, a blog post will have to do for now to help me release.

Love. God. My stomach is turning. Why the fuck is it so fucking complicated? Why is it that the same person who can bring you such joy, can also bring immense darkness? Long story short, love is exactly where it was in July 2022. Right before the collapse of a 5-year relationship. Same issues. Same questions. Same “I don’t knows.” This is where I feel shame and try to push away the hurt by recalling recent outings & dates or moments of happiness. As if they can excuse the reality of my relationship. But they can’t. Truth is, I feel alone. My needs are not fulfilled. I am not happy. So why do I stay? Well, the love for my boyfriend is unconditional and he’s really all I know. Crazy. ‘Cause I’ve put myself back in a box after I said I would burn it and never look back. I’m almost 30 and still lovesick over puppy love from childhood. I know that people break up for more reasons than cheating and abuse. And thankfully, I have never experienced this with my boyfriend. The sense of safety and security he brings is another reason I stay. I know that people have simply outgrown each other and ultimately fell out of love. It’s possible this is what is happening with us. I don’t know.

Truth is, I feel my boyfriend needs me. I am the calm in his storms and a constant. But I am starting to realize, maybe I am just a crutch. Maybe he can’t figure out his life because I am always there to save him. Saving he never asks for. Saving I just provide because I love him and can’t stand to see him struggle. But how can someone who is always in survival mode truly love you the way you deserve?

July 2022, my priorities shifted from marriage and family to pursuing a creative career. I dove head first into open mics, poetry meet ups, showcases, podcasts, music, collaborations, visual art, etc. And I fell in love with creating in a way I never expected. This newfound creative career aspiration has been difficult to navigate with my boyfriend. I was previously a homebody and was rarely busy other than work or family gatherings. Now, I’m in studios, clubs, cafes, all over the city to immerse myself in creativity. I’m busy. As fuck. And this has been challenging for him to get used to since he is a homebody and prefers to be out the way.

Long story short, it’s complicated. And I just want us to figure it the fuck out.

Thought that was all? Lol. No. I can feel something coming. Like another evolution or some major life change. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know if it’s positive or negative change. I just know that I’m going to be uncomfortable during this period of growth. When I left my full time job to become a part time caregiver for my grandma, everything shifted. My finances shifted. My priorities shifted. My life shifted. I’ve been living my life with more freedom and I’m enjoying it! But all good things must come to an end. I know my finances will get to a point where I have to start working elsewhere (even if it’s part time) and I know my freedom can only last so long due to my limited finances. I’m preparing myself (as best as I can) and trying to remain positive. All I know is, no matter the change, life goes on.

I really want to be intentional this month and focus on my mental health. It’s time I slow down and block out the distractions to really sit in my feelings. I need to figure out my next steps in so many areas of my life. If you made it this far, thank you for reading all the way through! May is Mental Health Awareness Month so, prioritize your mental health!

*New poem on the Poems page*