Anxiety-Riddled Uncertainty
I resigned.
This past week I submitted my resignation from my position at work. Social work is just not what it used to be. It has always been stressful, it has always been mentally taxing, but I feel as though the emphasis is on paperwork and numbers more so than the people. I love making connections with kids and families. Even the ones that are difficult and need several reminders to complete things. But recently, the connections with families have been lost, placed on the back burner to completing paperwork by certain deadlines and prioritizing those deadlines over family circumstances. Caseloads are high. Changes are constant. Documentation is never-ending. This is not sustainable for me.
As a creative, being tapped of my mental resources is detrimental to my art. There is already so much to life that takes away my time and concentration but having a job that depletes my mental capacity for creativity is unacceptable. It’s time for a change. And I won’t lie and say that I am confident in this transition or that I have the next steps all planned out. The truth is, I am anxious. Despite having savings, despite having a consistent work history on my resume, I am anxious about the future. So anxious at times that I feel stuck to my couch or my bed. Aimlessly scrolling social media to distract my mind from the “doom” thoughts taking over my head.
In a perfect world, I would be able to live off my craft. My days could be spent writing new poetry and formatting poetry books. Maybe a few live readings here and there, but that is not my current reality. I am chasing that. In the meantime, I have to sacrifice my time working somewhere for a consistent paycheck. Because rent is high, groceries are high, gas prices are high, it is expensive to live!
This is a reminder to take a deep breath. Hold it. And exhale slowly.
Everything will work out as it’s supposed to, when it’s supposed to.
To all creatives balancing work and creativity, I see you! I am you! Blessings on your path to self-sustained success.
Photo by Ricky Kharawala, @sweetmangostudios
