(Un)believable

I was told I was lying. I was told no one would believe my story. I was told people would turn on me because my rapist was popular in school. Some said it wasn’t rape because there was no penis involved. But I knew what I experienced. I knew what happened. I knew I said “No.” I knew I said “Stop.” Yet others tried to tell me what really happened. Survivors already deal with so much. Why must we also have to prove that our bodies were stolen from us? Most people don’t know the painful healing process you must go through to reclaim power, to reclaim control, to reclaim your body.

I was scared to wear bathing suits. I refused to look in the mirror while getting dressed. I covered my body in hoodies and sweat pants. I started shopping exclusively in the men’s section of clothing stores because I liked a “baggier” style. I said I was going to become someone new, someone who would never be taken advantage of again. It’s painful to think you have to completely change yourself to survive. I watched more and more of myself wash away down the drain as I got ready every morning. I felt my joy seeping from my joints with every passing day. Eventually I was lost.

It wasn’t until I participated in a #TakeBackTheNight peaceful protest march at my undergrad that I started to find myself again. This was an event that spotlighted survivors of sexual assault and encouraged them to regain control over their lives. I was too afraid to disclose my experience or label myself as a survivor because I did not think I would be believed. Although the experience was empowering, I knew that it was only the first step of my healing journey.

10 months after marching, I found the courage to read my poem Healing Is…Healing Isn’t to a small crowd of strangers (and a few friends) in a tiny coffee shop. As I performed my poetry, I felt an intense, positively-charged connection with my audience. People cried, people laughed, people smiled. For the first time in a long time, I was seen, I was heard, I was believed.

I know I am believable because my story is true. No one can silence my truth.