Tired

You carry it all on your own
Way too much is on your mind
But nobody knows, no
'Cause nobody asks, yeah
You don't like havin' to wait on no one else
Girl, they always seem to disappoint you
Ooh, I know what you think when no one's around
There's no else to blame or let you down

When you're tired

-dvsn — Tired

I’ve been listening to this song on loop. It highlights how I feel. Highlights things I think. I’m tired. I wrote a post back in May titled “Isolation Period” where I said I was gonna take a break from dating and love-life shit and blah blah blah. It was bullshit. It’s always bullshit because I’m always running from the true problem: I hate being alone.

I’m scared to be alone because I don’t know how to be alone. Let’s break this down. I know how to live alone, (I actually really enjoy having my own apartment and having my own space!) but I’m scared to be alone in a social sense. I miss having local friends to go out with and I miss having a local partner to go on dates with every so often.

So, to cope, I entertain people, feelings, situations, when I shouldn’t. I convince myself I’m “ready” for people, feelings, situations, when I’m not. It always comes crashing down. Always. And at the end of the day, people get hurt. Not just me.

Now, let’s dig a little deeper. My hometown is not the same for me anymore since the breakup with my ex. I’m no longer happy living here. There’s too many memories and reminders of heartbreak. I never wanted to stay in my hometown forever, but I loved it a lot more when I was living with my ex because he was my best friend. We did everything together. But he’s always had more friends and family here. So, when we broke up I lost him and his village. That was tough. And I still haven’t fully recovered from that loss.

Moving forward I am really trying to do better and to be more intentional with my healing. No more timelines, no more expectations. Just focusing on moving on with my life and pursuing my passions. Alone.

*Inhale* …*Exhale*

New poem on the Poems page