Make Peace and Be Grateful
It’s easy to get caught up in the negativity of life and life’s circumstances. Especially when you have such a desire for something that just feels unattainable. Or maybe that “thing” just isn’t meant to be. Recently, I experienced a loss of hope after a disappointing confirmation that one of my dreams was not coming true. At least, not yet.
This past birthday, my dad shared a childhood photo of me in our family group chat. In the photo I was holding a baby doll in my lap and giving the baby a bottle. My sister and I laughed about how I seemingly raised all my kids already because I had a constant rotation of baby dolls that I cared for throughout my childhood years. I’ve always loved kids, even as a kid myself.
Fast forward to the births of my nephews. I was elated every single time at the opportunity to love on babies and help nurture them. Diaper changes, rocking to sleep, bottle feeding, etc. I was hands-on with my nephews. And I always have been. My sister’s kids are my heartbeat and I genuinely love them like they are my own kids.
My own kids. *Deep exhale* I can’t even explain the joy and excitement I feel when I think about being a mom someday. I’ve always wanted a “crew” of my own, 4 kids to be exact. But, I’ve never rushed the process or simply involved myself with someone for the sake of becoming pregnant. I knew I wanted a life partner, marriage, a 2-parent household for my future kids. And I believe God has now placed that person in my life. I also knew how important it was for me to be mentally and emotionally healthy, financially stable, and secure in my own being before having kids. So, I’ve spent years healing, saving, and obtaining overall well-being. Not just to be the healthiest mom I can be, but to be the healthiest ME I can be.
I sat on pins and needles for days on end contemplating if now was the time. My body was changing. Could I really be pregnant? I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high. There was a chance this could be a false alarm. But it felt like this was really happening. Until it didn’t.
And just like that, the possibility became an impossibility. I admit, I was a bit overzealous in my thinking. I was just plain optimistic and not cautiously so. I jumped into planning and preparing for a new little one without really preparing myself for what to do if I wasn’t pregnant. This whole experience has been humbling, for sure, and I’m still processing it through fully. And of course, following up with my doctor.
I’ve decided to make peace with this and continue on with gratitude. God has blessed me abundantly and I have a lot to be grateful for. I can never say it enough, Thank God for therapy. I am so much healthier because of it. I know what is meant for me, will happen when it is meant to happen.
Live life with an attitude of gratitude.
New poem on the Poems page.
Photo by Gabrielle Henderson, @gabriellefaithhenderson
