Lonely…
Explaining my loneliness to my boyfriend was difficult. I could tell from his crestfallen expression that he was defeated. Tough conversations just have to be had sometimes. I love him with every ounce of my being. My boyfriend is my life partner. I am certain of this, I just know it to be true. But the desire to have a connection with other queer Black women forever lingers in the inner most crevices of my brain. A platonic connection, a friendship with someone (or a group of people) who understands me because that person experiences similar situations in everyday life.
I understand that validation must come from within. I believe self-love and self-appreciation is the key to mental peace. But I also know feeling validated, heard, understood, respected by someone else is comforting. It is imperative to my survival as an individual with intersectional identities. My boyfriend has made great efforts to provide validation and respect for my queerness, he really has, but I do think it is hard for him to step into my shoes and to care about the issues that are important to me because they are not issues he deals with.
There’s only so many podcasts I can listen to, only so many books I can read, only so many Twitter and Instagram profiles of queer Black women I can follow. Nothing compares to an in-person connection with someone, a friend you can vent to, rely on, cry with, and understand.
You see, I’ve felt this loneliness for most of my life. A lot of people don’t understand it. When I got the chance to finally have that connection with another girl like me, she took advantage of my vulnerability. I gave up hope on finding a genuine connection. But now that I’m secure in my love for my boyfriend, I feel I’m ready to stop being lonely and have a friend who looks like me, hurts like me, advocates like me. I can be patient. I know it will happen, it just might take time.
To live as a woman takes patience.
To live as a queer person takes confidence.
To live as a Black person takes strength.
To live as all three takes everything you have, and then some…
yet I take the risk to simply live.
